Tell Me Why Read online

  Following his gesture, my gaze landed on an old thick stretch of rope hanging from a large tree. A smile creased my lips as visions flooded my mind of screaming kids swinging out and dropping into the water. “It’s still here.”

  “Yep. We all had a lot of fun on that thing.”

  “Correction. You and your friends had a lot of fun on that thing, while telling Jessi and me to get lost. I even recall someone throwing pine cones at us and calling us names.”

  He chuckled, smiling slightly, and it warmed my heart. “I’d never do anything like that,” he responded.

  “You would and you did,” I reminded him. “I believe ‘stupid brats’ was the most common phrase.”

  “I never called you that!”

  Arching my eyebrow, I stared at him pointedly. “You don’t remember complaining to Danica about how the two of us were always cramping your style? You said you and your friends didn’t want to hang around with a couple of stupid brats.”

  “Really?” he asked, seeming genuinely surprised.

  “Really.”

  “Wow. I was a jerk.” His eyes were full of humor.

  I laughed. “Pretty much,” I agreed. “But thankfully you grew out of it. There’s not an ounce of jerk in you now.”

  The light in his eyes faded immediately. Clenching his jaw, he stared back at the pond. “You’re wrong. I’m a bigger jerk than I ever was.”

  Clearly he was struggling; and I wasn’t sure how to help him if he didn’t want to tell me about it. I didn’t want to push him, either.

  “Don’t talk like that, Caleb.” I rested my hand lightly on his shoulder. “You’re not a jerk. You’ve done so much for so many people. I can’t even think of even one person better than you.” It was the truth. He was amazing.

  He snorted, turning to glance at me. “You only need to look in a mirror to see someone far better than I am. Don’t ever change, Anna.” Before I could let his words sink in and muster a reply, he removed the lid of the urn and stepped so close to the water that the soles of his shoes sank down in the mud. “You ready to do this?” he asked, gesturing with a nod for me to join him.

  “No,” I replied honestly, releasing a deep sigh, but moved beside him anyway. He held the urn slightly toward me and I slipped my hands over his.

  “Anything you want to say first?” he asked, swallowing thickly.

  I shook my head. “Not really. I think I’ve pretty much cried my heart out to her every night already. If she can hear me, then she knows how much I’ll always love her.”

  He nodded, tipping his hands, and the two of us began pouring her ashes into the water. I couldn’t help the silent tears as I watched the remains of my best friend drifting down, floating further across the surface of the pond, forever mixing with this one spot for the rest of eternity.

  When the last of her remains had been spread, I released the urn and stepped away to give Caleb a moment of privacy, in case he wanted to say his own goodbyes. Unmoving, he stood there for a long time, solemnly watching her ashes float away. Even though he was several feet from me, his words still carried through the air, soft and powerful. “I’ll always love you, Jessi; and yes, I’m at fault here too. But honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you for this.”

  He was angry—hurt—it was easy to see. So was I for that matter. If only she’d come to us, we might have been able to help her with whatever was wrong; but now there was no repairing the damage. Suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem, as far as I was concerned. Surely nothing could be so terrible that there wasn’t some way to overcome it. How could Jessi not have known that? What in heaven’s name could’ve been so awful she thought being dead, and destroying us in the process, was the only answer? I’d racked my brain with this very question so many times I was almost nauseated from it. I couldn’t understand how I missed something so crucial.

  Caleb recapped the urn, surprising me by tucking it down into a thick patch of ferns at the water’s edge. He didn’t linger a moment longer, but headed past me, without a word, down the trail toward the Jeep.

  “Wait!” I called after him, unable to let his final words to her rest. “I need to say something.”

  He stopped, turning slowly. “What?” Yes, there was clearly anger there—in his voice—in his eyes.

  I fidgeted with my hoodie, nervous under his scrutiny. “You can’t blame yourself for this. None of us will ever know why she did what she did, but it’s no one’s fault—definitely not yours. She could’ve come to any of us for help and she chose not to.”

  He looked away, his hands clenching into fists. “Just drop it, okay, Anna? You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  His response puzzled me. “Do you know something I don’t?”

  That muscled was ticking in his jaw again. “I can’t talk about this with you right now.”

  “Why not?” I pressed. “If you know something, then tell me. I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong—what I missed.”

  Something broke inside him; I saw it as he stared at me incredulously. He strode toward me, grabbing me by the shoulders. “Don’t talk like that. You didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing! Do you understand me? Nothing!”

  “Caleb, you’re hurting me.” I winced, feeling his fingertips emphasizing his words as they bit through my jacket into my skin.

  His grip loosened immediately, but his hands remained there. “I’m sorry. I’d never do anything on purpose to hurt you. You have to know that.”

  “I do,” I replied staring into his tortured eyes. “Please tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can help.”

  He gave a sarcastic laugh. “There’s nothing anyone can do to help me. But believe me, if someone could, it would be you.” Releasing me he dug into his pocket and retrieved his keys, placing them in my hand. “Drive my Jeep home for me, okay? I need to go for a run.”

  Dumbfounded, I watched as he turned and hurried away, leaving me standing alone in the middle of the forest.

  Chapter Five

  Anna-

  Standing at my bedroom window, I cast a worried glance at the darkening sky before looking down at my phone once again. I wasn’t sure why I bothered. It was clear Caleb hadn’t texted me. His Jeep was still parked in my driveway where I’d left it. Of course it was. The keys were in here. Rolling my eyes at myself, I let a long sigh escape as I moved away from the window and flopped on my bed.

  Worry laced through me. He’d been gone for hours now. Visions of him lying in a ditch on the side of the road somewhere, after being hit by a car filled my mind. I wanted to go look for him, but I didn’t even know where to start. He could be anywhere on the island by now. Maybe he called a friend to get him? Or perhaps he caught the ferry and went home? But wouldn’t he have called me first?

  Groaning, I crawled off the bed and paced back toward the window. Peering past the lace curtains and staring across the rooftops to where the water of Puget Sound was growing darker with nightfall, the lights of the city were beginning to twinkle on.

  There was a tap on my bedroom door and I turned to see my mom poke her head in. “Sweetheart. You have company.” She pushed the door open wider to reveal Caleb standing there. “I’ll leave you two alone so you can talk.” She flashed me a sympathetic smile and left.

  Caleb stepped inside and shut the door behind him before facing me. “Hey,” he said softly.

  Hurrying across the room, I launched myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck.

  “Whoa!” he exclaimed with a short laugh, sounding surprised, but wrapped his arms around me. “What brought all this on?”

  Burying my face under his chin, I spoke against his skin. “I’ve been so worried about you! You’ve been gone for hours. There’s been no reply to my texts. All I could imagine was you lying dead somewhere and this horrible fear that I’d lost both Jessi and you was killing me.” Tears leaked down my cheeks, but I didn’t care. He could think I was stupid. It was his own fault f
or scaring me so badly.

  His hands ran up and down my back in a soothing fashion. “I’m so sorry, Anna. I didn’t realize. My phone died, so I never received your messages.”

  Even knowing he was here, I couldn’t stop panicking. It was like something had broken loose inside me. I realized Caleb had become my anchor. Yes, many were grieving right now; but he was the only one who really understood what I was going through.

  “Please tell me what’s going on. You’ve been acting so strange lately. If I’ve done something to upset you, then tell me so I can fix it. I can’t lose you too.” There was no way I could let this rift I felt between us grow any bigger.

  His grip on me tightened and he sighed. “You aren’t losing me. You couldn’t lose me if you wanted to.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, lifting my head so I could look him in the eye.

  Staring back at me, I could read the hesitancy in his gaze. I didn’t miss the tick in his jaw again either.

  I sighed. “You are upset with me. I can see it. What’s wrong?”

  He shook his head. “I’m not upset with you. I’m mad at myself.” He didn’t look away and I could read the truth of his words in his expression, as I heard it in his voice.

  “Why? Is there something I can do? I want to help.” Truly, I’d do anything for him.

  A wry laugh escaped him. “As nice as that would be, I’m afraid it will only make my problem worse.”

  Confusion settled over me. “How come?” I asked, wanting to understand what he meant.

  “Let’s just say, I wish things in my life were different right now. I want something I can’t have.”

  Obviously, he missed Jessi. And he was right—wanting her back was something none of us could ever have, no matter how badly we wished for it.

  “I miss her too,” I whispered softly.

  “Huh?” Now he looked confused.

  “Jessi. We all want her back. That’s what you meant, wasn’t it?”

  “Oh. No,” he said and my eyes widened. “I mean, yes,” he added quickly. “Of course I want her back, but that’s not what I was referring to.”

  “Ah, sorry. I misunderstood. Well, can you talk to me about it?”

  He honestly seemed more uncomfortable than I’d ever seen him, glancing away briefly, his eyes darting around my room. “Hmm, well, that’s where things get a little complicated.”

  “If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. I respect your privacy. I only wanted to help you if I could. Sometimes talking about things can help to get the weight off your mind.”

  “True, but in this case, I’m not sure it would.”

  He didn’t trust me; that much was apparent. It made me a bit irritated to know that despite what he said, I was still that “kid sister” in his mind. Letting my hands drop, I stepped from his embrace. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.” Turning away, I began walking toward the window, but he gripped my arm, bringing me around to face him.

  “Anna, I . . . I want to tell you, but . . .” He swallowed hard, his gaze flitting across my features before resting on my mouth. “I can’t do this,” he whispered apologetically. Releasing me, he left the room, leaving me staring at the closed door.

  “What the . . . ?” My voice drifted off as I spied his keys still resting on my desk. “Caleb, wait!” Grabbing them, I headed after him, catching him at the top of the stairs. He turned to look at me. “You forgot your—,” I was cut off as he seized me by the shoulders and pushed me against the wall, his mouth crushing mine.

  Robbed of breath, surprise flooded through me followed by a parade of fireworks as every cell in my body felt like it was exploding. I parted my lips, allowing his tongue to snake inside, groaning as it met mine. His keys fell to the floor as I slid my arms around his waist, hands fisting in his shirt. Pulling him closer, I didn’t want this moment to ever end. The feel of his hard body pressed firmly against me, his lips worshipping mine—it was exhilarating!

  Caleb is kissing me! The thought bounced through my head repeatedly. I knew I wasn’t dreaming—this was too real, better than anything I’d ever imagined. My legs were shaking under the strain of holding myself up and I simply wanted to melt into him, to become a part of him forever.

  I love him. The words were so simple. All the feelings and emotions I’d hidden away, denying myself from admitting, came rushing in full strength. I love him. It was as easy as that. There was a reason I cared about him as much as I did; and now there was no way I could refute the truth. He’d forced me to admit it. I love him.

  Goosebumps rose over my flesh as he trailed his fingertips down my arms, grabbing and placing them around his neck. My hands tangled into his dark hair, the blonde fringe along the edge tickling my cheek as he continued to devour my mouth.

  Hands drifting below my hips, he slipped them around my backside, pressing our bodies even tighter together, the proof of his desire immediately evident. I moaned again, unable to help myself. His movements were so—risqué—but with a sort of desperation, as if he might drown if he didn’t hang onto me. I’d never been kissed like this before, with this kind of heat, this kind of passion. Never had I felt so out of control; and I liked it—I wanted more.

  Kissing him like I imagined a lover would, I let my tongue tangle with his, pouring my heart back into him, wanting him to know how much he was needed—how much he was loved. If I could, I’d stamp it on his soul, so he would never feel lost or alone, again. I was his for the taking.

  Breaking away, he rested his forehead against mine, breathing heavily, his body trembling. My hands slid to his face, tracing his masculine jawline. I wanted to tell him I loved him, the words resting on the tip of my tongue, but he spoke first.

  “Forgive me, Anna,” he said, and my heart fell. “I crossed the line. My emotions have been a mess and I unleashed them all on you. I promise it won’t ever happen again. It can’t happen again.” He released me, bending to retrieve his keys from where they’d fallen, before jogging down the stairs and out of my sight. I heard the front door close, followed shortly by the sound of his Jeep engine that grew fainter as he drove away.

  Sliding down the wall, I sank to the floor in shock, his final words ringing in my mind. “It can’t happen again.” I didn’t even attempt to stop the tears from falling this time. My whole world, already drastically damaged, felt like it had just shattered.

  Chapter Six

  Caleb-

  Desperation to escape my own head had driven me to the bottom of way too many bottles of alcohol. The corner of my bedroom was beginning to resemble a glass recycling plant, but I had yet to find the relief I was seeking—except for those blessed few hours I managed to drink myself into a passed out cold oblivion. That was the only time my tortured mind was completely silent—when my alcohol soaked brain could only function enough to keep me alive.

  Sleep wasn’t my friend either, with dreams viciously plaguing me, twisting between nightmares of Jessi and lustful delusions of Anna. I couldn’t seem to find any way to escape; and I wondered if this was how Jessi had felt when she took her own life. Misery was my company.

  Unbidden, the feel of Anna’s body in my arms and the way she responded to my kiss still lit up my senses. It had been two days now; and despite my drunken stupor, I relived the moment over and over, until it was etched into my memory forever. I even imagined a few different, and definitely more scandalous, endings. There was no getting around it, I wanted her badly.

  The door to my bedroom swung open and I lifted my head to see Stix enter. He cast a concerned glance in my direction. “Got a minute?” he asked.

  “Sure,” I replied, dropping my head back to my pillow in exhaustion, thinking I was suddenly feeling way too coherent again.

  Shutting the door behind him, he walked over and plopped his lanky form into the black leather chair beside my bed, rubbing a hand over his recently buzzed, sandy hair. “You wanna talk?”

  “Nope.” I didn’t even have to think about it. There
was no way I could tell this to anyone. They wouldn’t understand.

  “Well, too bad. I wanna talk, so you can just lie there and listen.”

  I was too tired to argue with him and simply continued to stare at the ceiling.

  “Riley is right. Burying your feelings in a bottle of Jack isn’t going to help you at all. You seemed to be getting better, but then something happened the day you went to spread Jessi’s ashes. And I think I know what it is.”

  I snorted. “You couldn’t possibly have any idea.” In a million years, even I would never have come up with this scenario.

  He paused for a moment and I hoped he would go away. “Fine. I’ll leave you alone. This is going nowhere.” He stood and headed toward the door, pausing as he reached for the handle. “Oh, by the way, I figured I should run something by you and the rest of the band.”

  I sighed, wishing he would leave me to wallow in peace. “What?”

  “I plan on asking Anna out on a date.”

  “Like hell you will!” I practically shouted, pushing up on my elbows to glare at him. The speed with which I moved made my head spin. “You stay away from her!” A knowing grin spread widely across his face and I realized, instantly, I’d been duped. This was all a ploy to get me to admit my feelings for her. “Eat shit, asshole,” I mumbled, collapsing back to my bed as he strolled to the chair once more.

  “Now that we have that out of the way,” he began, “I have to wonder why you’re fighting this so hard. It’s clear to all of us you’re crazy about her. I think she feels the same way about you too; so why not go for it? It’s gotta be better than wasting your days searching for the bottom of a bottle.” He cast a nod toward my growing glass sculpture in the corner.

  “It’s not that simple. Believe me, if it was, I’d have done something about it long ago.”

  “Do you want her?” he asked, point blank.

  Clenching my jaw, I stared at him, anger pulsing through me. “You know I do.”

  “Then what’s so hard? Go get the girl. We all support you.”