Tell Me Why Read online

  Anna moved the pot to one of the burners that was off and turned to stare at me. “Really? Why?”

  “You’d laugh if I told you.”

  “No, I won’t. I promise.” She continued to stare, waiting.

  “Jen was convinced you and I have a secret fling going on.”

  Anna snorted and burst out laughing. “Seriously?”

  “I told you it would make you laugh.” A slight pang shot through my heart that she found being with me so unbelievable. “Yes, seriously. She thought I was cheating on her with you.”

  “Did you tell her it wasn’t true?” she asked.

  “Of course I did! She wouldn’t listen though. She insisted I pay too much attention to you and said I follow you around like a puppy. I told her I simply tried to make sure you and Jessi were safe and that no one was bothering you.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She gave me an ultimatum—said it was her or you.” I took a deep breath, glancing down at the salad bowl in front of me as I sliced a tomato. “I chose you,” I added, in what I hoped was a nonchalant tone. Unable to look at her, I kept chopping. This was the closest I’d ever come to admitting my changing feelings for Anna out loud. I couldn’t admit them now. Not ever. Dammit! I’d screwed things up so badly! Anger fused through me.

  “Hey. Take it easy on that poor tomato,” Anna chided. “It’s supposed to be chopped, not pulverized.”

  Dropping the knife, I wiped my hands on a dishtowel, still unable to look her in the eye. The next thing I knew her arms were wrapped around my shoulders from behind and she leaned her head against mine. I sucked in a breath, trying to steady myself.

  Her sweet voice in my ear made my senses hum. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such a difficult time alone. I would’ve come sooner if I had known everything that was going on.”

  Unable to help myself, I turned on my stool to face her, gathering her into my arms. “You’ve been having a rough time too. Besides, you’re here now,” I whispered softly against her dark hair when she laid her head on my shoulders. “That’s all that matters.” I wanted to kiss her—wanted to tell her I was falling in love with her. Night after night of rehearsing, being with her on stage, listening to her sing, watching her perfect sultry body sway, I’d become mesmerized, just like everyone else. I knew the other guys in the band cared for her too. I wanted to tell them to back off, that she was mine; but I couldn’t. She wasn’t mine and never could be.

  Jen was right. There was something going on between us, but it was all in my head, a fantasy I wanted more than anything, but would never be able to have. Anna would never be able to forgive me for my role in Jessi’s death. If she knew the truth, I’d lose her completely from my life—something I’d never be able to bear—so I’d suffer alone in silence and take what I could have—her friendship. My feelings for Anna had already destroyed Jessi’s life; if the truth came out, it would only destroy more. I couldn’t risk that.

  Anna let me hold her for several long moments and I relished every second until she pulled away, leaving me feeling incomplete and empty.

  “Let’s get you some food,” she said, going to the cupboard. “You look like you’ve lost weight. Have you been eating?”

  “Not really,” I admitted honestly, my stomach growling as if to support my claim. “My mind has been a little preoccupied.”

  She sighed. “Which is code for you’ve been plastered out of your mind, isn’t it?”

  It amazed me how well she knew me. I didn’t answer; instead I watched her dishing up our plates of food.

  “You know I hate it when you drink like that. It scares me.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.” I really was. Upsetting her was something I never wanted to do. Her feelings were important to me.

  Sliding the plates and silverware across the counter to where I was seated, she came around and joined me. “Is that your lyric book?” she asked, nodding to where it poked from my bag, still on the floor by the pool table, where I’d dumped it days ago.

  “Yup,” I replied, taking a bite of chicken as I attempted to mask the nervous wave that rushed through me. Jessi’s suicide note lay crumpled inside it. It was the last thing she’d written—I couldn’t make myself destroy it—not yet.

  “Wanna go over the words of that last song you’ve been working on?”

  “Sure,” I said, jumping to retrieve the book before she went for it. Crouching in front of the bag, so it was hidden from her view, I carefully slipped the note out and tucked it down the side before returning to the bar. “Here you go.” I set the notebook beside her plate and she opened it to the last page that had writing on it.

  “I really love the lyrics to this song, Caleb.”

  Leaning over, I glanced at them, wondering if she had any idea how many of these songs came from inside my own soul. Did she have an inkling that these words were about her? If she did, she certainly didn’t show it.

  Anna quietly began sing the words to the first verse.

  “Every day I wake up and look around me,

  Wishing your face could be the first I see.

  But that isn’t you, lying in my bed,

  I look away, and my heart fills with dread.”

  I closed my eyes, letting the sound of her voice fill my head. Even with an impromptu practice, I could still hear the emotion she projected. My emotion. She continued to the chorus.

  Baby, I want you, make no mistake,

  Baby, I need you, before my heart breaks,

  Isn’t there something between you and me?

  Something beautiful . . . we could be . . .

  I wish she knew that it was me asking the question to her. Would she be appalled? Dare I hope she’d be excited? I’d watched her for a while now, silently hoping she’d make some sort of advance toward me, taking the guesswork out of how she might feel about me. Maybe that was my answer. She’d never done or said anything romantic to me—always keeping things light and airy between us. She continued to the second verse.

  I hear your laughter; I see your tears,

  I want to hold you and keep you near.

  My secrets are hidden, so deep inside

  You’re the only one, who keeps me alive.

  Keeping my eyes closed, I focused on each of the notes, allowing the music to build inside me, my mind automatically filling in with the musical instruments as though she were singing with the band right this moment.

  Baby, I want you, make no mistake,

  Baby, I need you, before my heart breaks,

  Isn’t there something between you and me?

  Something beautiful . . . we could be . . .

  My fingers twitched as I imagined the guitar solo that would go right there, and I wanted to drag out my guitar and play as she hummed along with the chords I had written. Her voice catapulted into the refrain, picking up the increased tempo perfectly.

  Don’t leave me, don’t hate me,

  You’re what I need.

  Please help me, please save me,

  Or I can’t breathe.

  I need you, beside me,

  So desperately . . .

  Something beautiful

  Something beautiful

  Baby, I want you, make no mistake,

  Baby, I need you, before my heart breaks,

  Isn’t there something between you and me?

  Something beautiful . . . we could be . . .

  Baby, I want you, make no mistake,

  Baby, I need you, before my heart breaks,

  Isn’t there something between you and me?

  Something beautiful . . .

  Something beautiful . . .

  Anna’s voice dwindled off at this point and she paused, leaving the song unfinished. “Is this where you were having trouble?” she asked.

  Opening my eyes, I nodded. “Yeah. I’d intended to end it right there, but it seems like there is something missing. What do you think?”

  She slid my pencil out of the spiral and wrote four
words.

  Baby, I want you . . .

  “How about this? Taking it back to that first line in the chorus and leaving it hanging. I think that captures the emotion and shows the continued longing that’s unresolved.”

  Her grasp of musical emotion never ceased to amaze me. “I think you’re absolutely right. Spot on, as usual. I guess that’s why you’re always packing the house.”

  She grinned and bumped my shoulder with hers. “Whatever. They’re all there to hear your great music,” she said with a laugh. “And to drool over you, of course. All those girls think you’re drop dead gorgeous.”

  “They do, huh?” I chuckled.

  “Like you don’t know. They never stop staring, and when you flick those bangs back from your eyes, I swear they swoon on the spot.”

  “They do not.”

  “Trust me, they do. They all fall prey to that load of testosterone you’ve got rolling off you. I pay attention to them. I know.”

  I knew what she was saying was true, but I liked hearing her touting my praises. “And why are you paying attention exactly?”

  “Because they all want a piece of you.”

  “And that bothers you?” I waited with baited breath for her answer.

  She shrugged. “Yeah, kinda.”

  Elation. “Why?”

  She stopped fiddling with the pencil, dropping it onto the paper and turned to look me square in the eye. “Because none of them are good enough for you.”

  There it was, the sign I’d been hoping for—only it was too late. I couldn’t do anything about it now. Yet I still found myself leaning in closer as my eyes drifted down to her full lips. “And why aren’t they good enough for me, Anna?”

  She swallowed thickly, her gaze flickering hesitantly over my face. “Uh . . .” She hesitated.

  “Tell me.” I encouraged her again, moving still closer.

  The door to the loft burst open and Anna and I broke apart as Rick and Riley stumbled in laughing.

  “What are you two doing back already?” I asked, surprised. “I thought you were having dinner at your parents’ house tonight.”

  “Dad got called in to work so Mom asked if we’d mind postponing until tomorrow,” Rick replied. “Something smells good here though.”

  “We made dinner together,” Anna said. “Help yourselves. There should be plenty.”

  “Thanks,” Riley replied.

  I couldn’t decide if I was incredibly disappointed or greatly relieved that they’d interrupted. Something had definitely been happening between us, but I had no business trying to kiss Anna—ever. However, I couldn’t help feeling robbed of the moment. I was sure it would’ve been . . . something beautiful.

  Chapter Four

  Anna-

  “I just can’t do it, Caleb.” Danica's choked whisper accompanied the tears dripping down her face, as she stared anxiously at him. “Can you go without me?’

  This reaction from her didn’t surprise me a bit. In many ways, Danica reminded me of a small child who was afraid to face reality. Caleb had always been more like the parent in his family—even as a child, checking in and making sure everyone else was protected and their needs met. It certainly was a dysfunctional relationship, to say the least.

  “Seriously?” Caleb seemed completely stunned and disappointed. “Jessi’s your only child. You don’t want to be part of this?”

  The urge to wrap my arms around him overwhelmed me. I wondered if anyone had ever protected him. Had anyone been there to support him when he was going through something difficult? Had they wiped away his tears? Or was he always the strong one?

  “She said she doesn’t want to go. I don’t see how she can put it any plainer,” Hank spoke from the recliner, where he was flipping channels between different sporting events.

  “I’m guessing that means you have no intention of going either?” Caleb said, staring at his dad, his expression growing hard. “No last words for your stepdaughter?”

  Hank didn’t bother to reply, which was his answer. Caleb glanced to where his stepmom was now wiping down the kitchen counter, keeping her eyes downcast. I didn’t miss the clenching of Caleb’s jaw. He was angry. Without saying another word, he strode across the room and removed the urn that held Jessi’s ashes from the mantle.

  “Come on, Anna. I guess it’s just you, me, and Jessi today.”

  My heart was breaking as I followed him out the door to his Jeep. Ever the gentleman, he opened the passenger door and handed me the urn, once I was seat belted.

  Watching him as he climbed in the driver’s seat, I grappled for something to say that might soothe him. “I’m sorry, Caleb.” I rested my hand affectionately on his leg. “I know this is hard on you.” It wasn’t much, but at least he would know I was on his side and that I cared.

  Resting his hand on top of mine, he squeezed it gently. “Don’t apologize. You’re the one who is always there when I need someone.” Unsure of how to respond, I simply turned my hand over so I could grasp his. He shifted slightly, his fingers sliding in between mine.

  My breath caught. He’d never held my hand like this before; and I couldn’t help the silly girl feelings that rose hopefully inside me. I’d long since forced myself to quit imagining he might be into me someday. He was out of my league and, unfortunately, he’d only ever see me as another kid sister. But I didn’t care; I simply wanted to be part of his life any way I could be. I loved him.

  Glancing up, I saw he was staring at our clasped hands too. Automatically, I closed my fingers tighter around his, hoping my touch would bring him the same comfort his brought me. A muscled ticked in his jaw as he ground his teeth together and he pulled away as if he’d been burned.

  Stunned, I sat there with my hand limply on his leg until he started the car; then I moved it, cradling the urn in my lap. Whatever I’d done had obviously upset him. Biting my lip nervously, I realized I’d completely misread the situation. A flush of humiliation spread like a heat wave across my cheeks. Turning away, I stared, unspeaking, through the passenger side window, so he couldn’t see my face.

  Millions of thoughts raced through my mind, trying to make sense of things between us. I finally concluded I was overreacting. His heart was hurting as badly as mine was; and his parents were abandoning him again, during a time when he needed them most. Feeling bad for thinking it, I sometimes just wanted to punch Danica and Hank. Caleb had been more of a mother and father to Jessi than their parents had ever been. It worked fine that way for her, but who did Caleb have when he needed someone—especially now that Jessi was gone? She had been his only real support in that family. He must feel completely lost right now.

  It didn’t take us long to reach our destination, a quiet spot in the woods Jessi liked. She’d often go there to relax and ponder things, escape her traumatic home life, or spend time drawing. It had become a favorite place for all of us.

  Taking the narrow trail, almost hidden by the tall ferns and thick, moss covered ground, Caleb and I walked together in silence beneath the canopy of towering pines. Long wisps of fog stretched like phantom fingers between the trees, adding to my somber mood as we made our way toward the small pond at the end of the trail. Memories of picnics here with Jessi filled my mind and I could almost hear the sound of her laughter echoing happily through the forest.

  A sob caught in my throat as I realized I’d never hear that sound again. Staring at the urn in my hands, my vision immediately blurred and tears clouded my eyes. She was here, but she wasn’t—merely a life reduced to ashes.

  Caleb paused, casting a sidelong glance at me before removing the urn from my grasp and carefully setting it beside a tree. Gathering me into his arms, he pressed my head against his chest.

  I couldn’t hold back the tears, shaking as I wept, wondering if this horrible aching grief would ever get better. I couldn’t imagine the sorrow ever leaving. How was I supposed to get past this hole that had been left in my life? We’d done everything together. Jessi was like the other
half of me—my soul sister in every way. The pain of losing her was excruciating, constantly making me feel as if some horrible pressure had taken up permanent residence in my chest, threatening to crush me to bits.

  Caleb said nothing, only held me close, his chin resting on the top of my head. His embrace was warm and I basked in the comfort he gave, clinging to him as if he were the only lifeline I had in the world.

  After what had to be several minutes, I pulled away, feeling slightly embarrassed by my sudden display of emotion. Peeking at him shyly, I was surprised to find his eyes moist as well, spiking his thick dark lashes together. But it was the raw undisguised pain in those eyes that tore at my very soul. He was hurting as badly as I was; yet he took the time to comfort me.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, breaking the silence between us.

  His lips pursed into a slight frown as he stared at me. “You have nothing to be sorry about.” Turning abruptly, he grabbed the urn and continued on down the path. He was so upset; and because of his abrupt behavior, I couldn’t help the feeling it was my fault—that I’d done something wrong. It was driving me crazy. I couldn’t stand to see him this way. Gone was the fast flashing smile and the quick humor I was used to. I knew he carried a lot pain inside him from things that had happened in his past and still ate at him; but this was different. It was almost as if something inside him had died with Jessi. He was changed.

  Hurrying to catch up with him, I quietly followed in his footsteps until the trees parted a bit, revealing the small pond resting in the center of them. On rare sunny days, the clear water glittered like diamonds scattered across the surface; but today it reflected the drab gray sky overhead, as if it too was in mourning with us. Caleb stopped by the edge and sighed deeply, his shoulders sagging slightly as he glanced around.

  “Look,” he said pointing across the water. “Do you see it?”