Tell Me Why Page 9

  I didn’t argue. I was wound tighter than the strings on my guitar and it was starting to get to me. “Thanks again, Melanie. I appreciate it.”

  “Take all the time you need. James said he’d even be willing to come sit with her after he’s done with his morning rounds upstairs. He delivered a couple of babies last night.”

  My feelings for the whole Vasquez family overwhelmed me. They were so caring and so giving. I wondered if that was why Jessi and I had gravitated to them so much. They were the family we always wished we had. We loved them all and it was obvious they felt the same. I was so grateful to have Anna and her parents in my life right now. They were the only things holding me together.

  “Tell your husband thank you too.”

  “We are happy to help. Now go enjoy your Sunday. Get showered and let Anna take you to get something to eat. You are looking thinner to me and that worries me.” She was probably right. I hadn’t been eating much lately; instead it seemed like my insides were eating me.

  Anna slid her arm around my waist, guiding me toward the door. Slipping mine around her shoulders, I bent to kiss her on top of her head. Gone was the rockstar girl from this morning, and in her place was the sweet innocent faced teenager with a ponytail in her hair. She looked amazing as ever.

  “I think maybe after we get you fed, we should let you get some real sleep for a few hours. You look exhausted. Then, if you feel like doing something, we can.”

  “Yeah, that chair wasn’t the most comfortable thing to sleep in.”

  “Don’t worry. You rest and let someone take care of you for a change.” Her words sounded like heaven to me.

  “Promise me you’ll sleep next to me. That’s all I need.”

  “Deal. The guys have been worried about you too. They’re willing to help any way they can. They even agreed to steer clear of the loft as much as possible so you can rest.”

  “That’s nice of them. Right now though, all I need is you.”

  “You’ve always had that.” She hugged me tighter. “And you always will.”

  ***

  Having Anna wrapped snugly in my arms when I awoke was the greatest feeling in the world. For several moments, I imagined we were living together and she was mine to wake up to every day. I’d never felt this way about anyone else I’d dated. Plenty of girls had spent the night with me, only to gather their clothes off the floor the next morning and head home. Even my “official” girlfriends had never been invited to stay for more than a day at a time. Anna was different—it was obviously more than sexual gratification. We hadn’t even been together physically; and yet, I was still content to be with her just like this. If this was all I could ever have from her, it would be enough. I’d probably die of blue balls somewhere along the way, but at least I would die happy.

  Happy. That was the whole point, wasn’t it? Anna made me happy. My world was falling down around me; but even in the midst of all this turmoil and angst, she had the ability to make my heart soar. Whenever I was with her, it seemed as if the “bad” faded away into the background. Anna was my happy place.

  This revelation caused me to remember the other times in my life when she was there—times when she’d come to visit Jessi, moments spent playing together as kids, barbecues at her house, days on the lake with her family—it didn’t matter what memory it was, whenever Anna was there, I was always happy. She was easy to talk to and her laughter made me smile; and even though many friends had come and gone, she’d always been there—a consistent bright spot in my life.

  Man, I was so stupid. I’d been in love with her for years and never even known it. How had I missed what was happening to my heart right before my eyes?

  Glancing at her sleeping in my arms, I was tempted to wake her and share my revelation with her, but she looked so peaceful. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She had been suffering right alongside me. I knew she needed the rest as badly as I did.

  Guilt flooded me once more. I held the answers she wanted so desperately to know. I hated lying to her—hated it with a passion; but I knew those answers wouldn’t bring her the peace she was seeking. They’d only make things worse. There was no way she could know the truth of Jessi’s letter. It would destroy her. It had nearly destroyed me. Anna had saved me from total destruction, and now it was my turn to protect her in the same way. It was natural for me. I’d played the role of protector for her my whole life; and I wasn’t about to stop now.

  Rationalize all you want, McCord, my inner voice said. You know you don’t deserve her. Nausea swept through me. I’d tried to stay away from her and it didn’t work. I nearly drank myself to death. Surely it was okay to do what I was doing if it was to protect everyone I loved, including myself? Sighing, I wondered if I would ever stop wrestling with my inner demons.

  Anna shifted in my arms, rolling away from me with a small moan, as if she could feel my internal restlessness in her sleep. Carefully, I slid my arm from beneath her. Getting up, I gently covered her with the blanket, moving to sit in the chair beside my bed, just staring at her for several long minutes.

  Tortured thoughts continued to plague me until I saw my lyric book on the nightstand. Emotional times were always best for me to write because it tapped into something inside of me that, in turn, created great lyrics. I lifted the book and began to write.

  There’s a war going on inside my soul

  Something so tortured and awful, it makes me feel cold

  Lies rise like bile, threatening to creep out and steal it all

  There’s no hope, no way out, all I can do is fall,

  I’m so trapped inside, there’s nothing I can do,

  All I can see is that I’m going to lose you too,

  The words bubbled up from inside me, bleeding onto the paper as quickly as I could write them. My eyes misted over slightly, as I poured out the fears of my soul.

  I’m dreaming of demons, they’re dragging me in,

  Gonna make me pay for my terrible sin.

  Reaching up to take me, ready to drag me to hell,

  Claws shredding me apart, yet all I can do is yell.

  Someone save me. Somebody let the light back in,

  Someone save me. I don’t know how much longer I can swim.

  A choking sensation filled my throat as my raw thoughts moved through me.

  I know I’m losing, but I keep fighting anyway,

  Sinking further and further, drowning more each day.

  I’m searching for you beside me, but I know full well,

  Beautiful angels are never allowed in hell.

  Grasping at straws, can something stop the agony?

  “Somebody save me,” I scream so frantic and desperately.

  Hell, Hell, I’m going to Hell…

  I’m dreaming of demons, they’re dragging me in,

  Gonna make me pay for my terrible sin.

  Reaching up to take me, ready to drag me to hell,

  Claws shredding me apart, yet all I can do is yell.

  Someone save me. Somebody let the light back in,

  Someone save me. I don’t know how much longer I can swim.

  The refrain summed everything perfectly.

  In this

  Misery, misery inside of me.

  Misery, misery loves company.

  Misery, misery I’m no longer free.

  Misery, misery it’s killing me.

  I’m dreaming of demons, they’re dragging me in,

  Gonna make me pay for my terrible sin.

  Reaching up to take me, ready to drag me to hell,

  Claws shredding me apart, yet all I can do is yell.

  Someone save me. Somebody let the light back in,

  Someone save me. Don’t know how much longer I can swim.

  I stared at the harsh painful words that had just been ripped from me, proof that my emotions were tearing me apart from the inside out. I knew why Anna and her family were so worried about helping me. They were afraid I’d be the next one to crack. They were watc
hing my family self-destruct before their very eyes. The only thing they didn’t know was that it was all my fault to begin with. I wondered if any of them would look at me the same if they knew the truth.

  Glancing at the angel on my bed, the one I wanted more than anything, I couldn’t bear to lose her too. I’d lost everyone else important to me already. This was a crucial moment—whatever I decided right now would determine the outcome of everything else in my future. There was no hesitation. I was going to do whatever I could to keep her. A piece of heaven was better than none at all—even if it meant lying to get it.

  Chapter Twelve

  Anna-

  “Anna, do you ever think about what it would be like to die?” Jessi asked.

  “Don’t talk about stuff like that, Jessi. Don’t you know how badly we’d all miss you?” I replied harshly, terror filling my heart. Turning to stare at her, I was surprised to find she was no longer in her room with me. Moving in a complete circle, I wondered where she’d gone. “Jessi?” I called, as I left her room and entered the hallway. The sound of running water came from the bathroom but, for some reason, my feet seemed reluctant to move in that direction. “Jessi?” I called louder, but there was still no answer.

  “What’s the matter?” Caleb’s voice interrupted, sending a soothing feeling through me. If Caleb was here, then everything was going to be okay. He was always protecting Jessi and me.

  Something wet soaked through my shoes and I glanced down to see a river of water rushing past me and tumbling down the stairs behind Caleb.

  “Something’s wrong,” I said, gesturing to the water soaked floor that was now ankle deep. He simply stared at it, a blank expression on his face. Wading through the water to the oak railing, I peered over the edge into the living room below.

  Danica was standing in the rising water with her hands on her hips, glancing around. “Hank, I think we have a leak somewhere.” She didn’t panic or move, merely continued to watch the rising water, while Hank dug into a closet, pulling out a fishing pole. He procured a worm from his pocket and proceeded to bait the hook before casting it into the water.

  Shaking my head, I glanced back at Caleb who was still staring at the water.

  “Jessi?” I called again, remembering my search. I forced myself to go to the bathroom door, pushing it slightly. Peeking inside I saw a giant swimming pool that was overflowing. So this was where all the water was coming from. Stepping inside, I searched behind the door for some type of valve to stop it. A splash sounded behind me and I turned to find Jessi floating face down in the water.

  “What are you doing?” I shouted, waiting for her to get up. “Help me find a way to shut off the water!” Suddenly, the water turned red as the blood began gushing from her wrists, spreading quickly outward and staining the water.

  “Help me!” The scream tore from my lips as I struggled to get to her. “Jessi! No! Not Jessi!” The water became too deep for me to walk and I had to start swimming through it. A metallic coppery taste filled my mouth—it was her blood. I tried to grab her sleeve, but she kept floating just out of my reach. My limbs grew heavy and I started to think I was going to drown in this pool with her.

  “Somebody help me!” I screamed violently, spraying drops of the vile liquid from my mouth. “Please! Help!”

  “Anna!” Caleb’s strong arms grabbed me and I sobbed in relief. “Annalisa!”

  My eyes flew open to find Caleb leaning over me, his eyes wide with worry.

  “Are you awake now?” he asked. I blinked several times. “You were having a nightmare.”

  Wrapping my arms around his neck and dragging him closer to me, I sobbed against his chest, the remnants of the terror I’d just experienced still clawing at me. “Don’t ever let go of me,” I pleaded, keeping him close.

  “Never.” He spread out next to me, continuing to comfort me. “It’s okay now. It was only a bad dream.”

  “No it wasn’t. I was dreaming about finding Jessi. It’s all too real,” I replied, my words muffled against his chest. “I have been having nightmares like this a lot lately.”

  He sighed heavily, his breath rippling through my hair.. “How often is a lot?”

  “Two or three times a week. I hate them. They’re always weird distortions of the truth and it freaks me out.”

  “Do you need to talk to someone?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled. I was talking to him right now, wasn’t I?

  “I mean like a therapist or something. Face it. You’ve suffered a pretty bad trauma. It’s completely understandable that you’d be having these dreams.”

  I snorted, lifting my tear stained face toward him. “You had the same shock I did. Do you need counseling too?”

  Surprisingly, he shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe. I’ve had several bad dreams of my own; and we all know I’ve been trying alcohol therapy, while personally financing the Jack Daniel’s Company.” He nodded toward the massive pile of empty bottles in the corner. I knew he was making a half attempt at being humorous, but I wasn’t in a laughing mood.

  “I’m not sure how I feel about talking things out with a stranger. I’d rather just talk with you.”

  He nodded. “I get that; but sometimes talking to the stranger is what helps. They’re outside the situation and aren’t affected by the emotion of everything.”

  Sighing, I stared into his eyes, reaching up to brush some of his hair back from his face. “I think I’m simply overwhelmed with everything. All this stuff revolving around Jessi’s death—her funeral, scattering her ashes, your drinking, her other friends asking to do fundraisers, Danica's breakdown—everything points back to her suicide. It sounds callous, but I can’t escape it.”

  “Then let me help you. Spend the rest of the day with me until the gig tonight. I’ll take you on an official “first date”. There’ll be no talking about our troubles of late. It’ll just be the two of us, hanging together and having a good time. What do you think?”

  “I think it sounds lovely. By the way, did you call Stephanie back about that fundraiser idea?” I asked.

  He shook his finger at me. “Did you hear what I said? No talking about all of that. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. The rest of today is just you and me time. I need it too. We have five hours left before we need to get ready for tonight. Let’s make the most of it, okay?”

  “All right.” I smiled. “What do you want to do?”

  Grinning, he winked at me. “I wanna rock your world!”

  ***

  “When you said you wanted to “rock my world”, hanging from a harness against a rock wall at your gym wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.” I grumbled as I stretched to reach the next handhold above me.

  Caleb laughed from where he hung on a rope beside me. “Well,” he replied as he reached for a hold of his own, “I have other ways of exercising—ways that I really enjoy, but you told me I had to wait a week before I could do them. So, I had to come up with a plan B.” With a charming boyish grin, he stared down at me from his perch, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

  “You’re such a guy.” I puffed, dragging myself higher. I was determined to make it to the top. No way was I letting him outdo me.

  “For your sake, I certainly hope so.” The sound of his chuckling floated down to me as he continued to move quickly upward.

  “How many times have you climbed this thing?” I asked, completely out of breath.

  “I dunno. More than I can remember at the moment.”

  “So, you brought me here so you could show off?” Honestly, I was impressed. He was really fit.

  “Of course. Gotta show my girl I’m a good catch.” He laughed again.

  “I already thought that. Scaling a wall is proving nothing to me.”

  “It is to me,” he replied, reaching the top and glancing back toward me.

  “Really? What’s it proving?” I asked as I crept beside him, completely ready for my aching limbs to stop trembling.

  “My girl has stamin
a.” He swung closer to me, giving me a quick peck on the lips. “Not many people make it to the top. Most give up when it gets hard, but you kept going. I’m proud of you. Are you sure this is the first time you’ve done this?”

  Flashing him an exhausted smile, I nodded. “Yep. And it may be my last too. Thank you for letting me impress you. Now, can we please get off this thing and maybe go for a massage or something? My muscles are screaming.”

  Heat flared in his eyes. “Sure, if I get to be the massager.”

  “Somehow I don’t think that would lead to me being any more relaxed.” I laughed, glancing down to the spotters holding the ropes beneath us. “We’re ready to come down.”

  Soon we were on the floor and being helped from the harnesses.

  “Are you ready for the next part of our date?” Caleb asked.

  “Only if it involves sitting,” I complained—mostly to tease him, though my legs were still shaking a bit.

  “It does actually, but we’ve got to do a little walking to get there first; but it’s not far. I can carry you if you want.”

  I laughed. “I’m okay, really. Where we headed?”

  “It’s a surprise.” He stopped by a machine and purchased two waters, handing one to me.

  “Thank you,” I said, as we headed out the door. He draped an arm around my shoulder and we casually made our way down the sidewalk.

  “I’m glad we decided to do this today. I feel better already.”

  “Me too,” I agreed, as we paused at the street corner waiting for the light to change. Crossing the street, we walked along the sidewalk that bordered the Sound. “You’re taking me to the Ferris Wheel, aren’t you?” I asked as I looked down to where it loomed overhead.

  He smiled. “In all the time I’ve lived here, I’ve never once gone for a ride on it.”